the savant anthology

without me

i feel like the world is turning without me,
like at some point my feet left our gravity,
that i am untethered and
flightless yet feathered,
but the pull of the ground is for everyone but me.

i feel like i have been erased but messily,
pencil shavings brushed onto the floor fall lightly,
the pages keep turning and
i know that i’m learning,
but why can’t i be the one to help, just slightly.

i feel like this was never about me,
and yet the things i’ve done wrong are all i can see,
i cringe at my voice,
that was clearly the wrong choice,
is there a way to set my thinking free.

i feel like i carry what is not mine,
and wonder why there is nothing to find,
except my own grief,
my broken belief,
that the answers could be here in my mind.

i feel like maybe i should just leave,
hand back the cards i’ve hidden up my sleeve,
if nobody asks,
then what is my task,
but to remove myself from this weave.

i feel like this feeling will come and go,
that the warmth is coming to melt this snow,
but maybe it’s unfair,
to dream of cold air,
when there is so much more you could know.

feeling like a tree that is falling in the woods, not making a sound because nobody is around 01-09-25

bridge, burning

how will you measure your impact? i think i want to use laughter / i’ve noticed i do my best work when you can hear the echo after / down the halls, through the lab, from the far side of the pitch / it doesn’t take much to find some so if it’s quiet then i’ll switch / to a new tactic where i take the cards out from my sleeve / why hold them to my chest when too much silence makes them leave / i don’t know if you can see what i can do through this camera / but i’ll be here when the shit hits the fan, this is my kind of stamina / this guide can be by your side as long as you set intentions / we’ll work on the deeper thinking part, where the players get a mention / for the way they interact, not just a lack of following orders / these good little soldiers can do more than just cut corners / if you want make the move them, next time bring your game controller / you can press the buttons, pull the strings, make them double over / whip them into shape by running lines and spouting cues / but what happens when they need more than words that made you move / are you willing to take a step back and ask, is this really working / where will you find your impact as we stand on this bridge, burning.

a thought after mulling over some training observations these last few weeks 21-08

the spare room

i walked through the gate, sun shining through the window, the black and gold uniform sits loosely on my shoulders, the opportunity to start fresh, not quite from zero, moving the sand to make room for the boulders.

a two hour meeting where i cant even speak in, beside the manicured grass like a carpet of dreams. i chalk this up as a moment of weakness, but maybe everything is not as it seems.

a year of building new working relationships, of watching them walk past to shake Greg’s hand. a casual behaviour, the occasional quip. my name is neutral, i can understand.

i can build you a horcrux, pages of guidance, made painstakingly across 40 hours, did i do something wrong to fabricate this distance? even this little dr wont give you power.

its crying in the spare room in your polo shirt, hitting record and sending it to your friends. having to constantly brush off the dirt, wondering if this feeling will ever end.

its hidden in the stories we tell ourselves, like “headbutting a brick wall” and no coaches allowed, i feel like a doll collecting dust on the shelf, even though my love for this sport is unbound.

when was the last time you questioned your story, the narrative that quietly unfolds in your mind, have you ever questioned when you speak coarsely, who are the dementors of your time.

you are not a failure when you pick yourself, sometimes it takes more courage to leave. i cant be here and really be myself, i refuse to not wear my heart on my sleeve.

is this really because im not a man, maybe they’re just not ready to change. are you ready to hold your heart in your hand, and take action to make the familiar strange.

no tears should fall over a workplace, we are worth so much more than our titles. you shouldnt need to keep trying to save face, you do not need to be smaller, to be idle.

an ode to the misogyny in sport for my colleagues (and myself) 30-07-25

time is money

i don’t think you understand the politics here, did you not feel the sense of importance in the air / you can’t just go around thinking you can help people, that assumes that you treat everyone as equal / we don’t have the time it takes to truly co-produce this, could you hurry up and do something but make sure you never miss / the pre-determined path that we never told you about, we were hoping you’d stand on the sidelines like a cardboard cut-out / and just help the people who have always had our support, that way we can say we’re the reason they succeed in sport / but if you have to be good to even access our science, could they be better without us? is this just compliance? / you can only succeed with our logo on your chest, and for the sake of wellbeing, train hard but also rest / this logic of optimisation haunts the halls, we may learn from our failures but it doesn’t break the falls / you need to show people that you know your worth, but turning down someone who wants support feels worse / if they don’t value your skills then they can’t be applied, but if they don’t see us in action then its justified / around we go again, just like the wheel of time but we are all getting close to passed our prime / and who deserves to stretch the limits of their capabilities when we know a lack of medals means they’re a liability.

you can’t help them because they’re not paying for your time 24-07-25

meetings

as i sit in this room that we occupy fortnightly, i wonder if i will ever have anything worth saying / it seems like the only knowledge we hold tightly is found in the gym or what % they’re playing / if we judge an athlete by the number of times they complete training, then do we risk letting the need to rest fall upon deaf ears / what if it’s less about what you’ll do when its hailing and raining, and more about what you can do to temper your own fears / if i cannot add to this weighted conversation, then why do i find myself here once again / the need to save face is not in my job description, there is no joy to be found here and i’m not one to feign / interest in a merry go round that we think changes direction, what if this very meeting is getting in the way / is this meeting really in the interest of greater collaboration, or is it just for the same people to keep having their say.

another pst meeting where i have nothing to add 22-07-25

raining

you’re going to miss this when its gone so enjoy the peace and quiet / but you know that in these moments my mind is such a riot / the raucous mess of wanting to be of service to others / means i find this kind of restlessness worse than punching numbers / at least we have a window to watch the outside world / we can see each football kicked or maybe a body hurled / down the track, into a sandpit, rhythms of their training / while i wonder what to do with myself like it’s raining / just over my desk, the one that doesn’t have my name / can you guess which one of us is really not the same?

when does it stop being a slow burn if i’m the only one with nothing to do 21-07-25

permission

if you want to speak to them, you’ll need to get permission / that way you can never connect with the conditions / we’ll keep you on the fringes, you can help from the peripheral / i think maybe this distance is supposed to be subliminal / an excuse for us to say that we were always correct / they were never destined to succeed if we dissect / the factors that we think contribute to a world performance / the help you have to give is not a real affordance / so let me ask my manager if i can introduce you / don’t get too attached, they might not get to use you / we decide the categories of who is worth our time / but who are we to be the ones to draw this line.

early on, i needed to ask permission before i could meet an athlete and coach 04-25

spark

you scan your pass at the door and a green light flickers / can you really be to blame if all you did was lay the tinder / you never sparked a flame, at least it wasnt your intention / but you are the girl on fire, dont you even want a mention / in the medal tally that everyone else seems to hold dear / how long will it take until you become the thing you fear / a warped version of yourself, laying a well-meant path / just another tinman who nearly lost his heart / if i never light the match, can i really be condemned / when we realise that the means were never worth the end / they cant be when its a human soul we place between the lines / and reinforce its worth leaving every piece behind / for a hollow goal that you might fill with tinted metal / is it still a flower if you pluck off every petal.

thoughts that keep me up at night 18-07-25

drowning

i think maybe i’m drowning, but is the water warm or cool / am i not supposed to see myself as more than just a tool / if my skills are not just a chest full of things to do / then why am i here on the premise that i can help you / watch me weave a narrative that makes the world feel brighter / like the sun on your back, i can make your load feel lighter / but where will that take us if our desire to get better / is where we find the fault, does this make the world feel flatter / i think maybe the worst thing i can do is think i’m right / this seems to be the basis of every global fight / it might be diabolical to seek more than just what is / but that’s what makes my heart sing and my brain fizz / can i coexist here in the spaces in-between / where the things you think you want can never make you feel serene / if you want a coat of paint for your jail cell, pick a colour / but maybe this is not the only place to stake your valour.

i think you can tell that somebody is making my brain melt 10-07-25

records

hi hello my name is i hold this record and that / did you know i won a medal for being fastest on the track / that day and the next i was kicked out of my bed / but everyone will know my name, it echoes in their head / except i don’t think i’ve said it yet, maybe they’ll call me soon / the day i get to wear the green and gold over maroon / it cant be problematic that my life is just defined / by my ability to move my feet between these solid lines / who do i become in the absence of a victory / what if the only person who wins or loses this is me / when theres no one else to chase, what i am i running for / who is left to beat when im crying on the kitchen floor / wrapped in the warm embrace of foam, velcro and plastic / a space that brought me glory now just makes me panic / what if i want to be more than what my body can do at speed / what will it take to reclaim what it means to just be me.

as they announce the team, their names are preceded with the records they hold and the medals they’ve won 08-07-25

knitting

my grandmother used to knit socks, woven from thread i never saw / i dont know where she kept the box with all the needles, in a drawer / i’m worried i’ve become a knitter of sorts, untrained in the art of moving the needle / what happens when the threads we weave from our thoughts decays what they do and whittles / away at the meaningful world they perceive, what if these words becomes a blindfold / a gospel that was never meant to be believed, possibilities now left untold / once we put something out into the world, we cannot decide what it becomes / must we risk taking the richness and crumple it into a slide deck until a coach succumbs.

what if i don’t want to write a session plan for you because i’m scared it will blind you 08-07-25

believe

what if you never really understood how all of this comes together / what if we’ve followed in your footsteps and now sit amongst the heather / blinded by the colour that we cannot see because did you know that purple is the absence of green / and maybe human connection cannot be a two way street because its easier to demonise those who dodge defeat / by paving golden paths with everything they’ve got to craft the best tools, used until they rot / but what will you do when the tools are really people, are you willing to replace the pillars of this steeple / and put the weight of righteousness on your back alone, when you start to bleed will it really be maroon / the heartbreak is hard enough when its the naive but for once i really thought you could make me believe.

you would think the researchers who speak about connection would see the irony in othering but that’s not the case today 05-07-25

the games we play

what do you do when your perspective shifts / you feel the ground swell and world drift / nothing will ever be the same and it never was / like crossing the same/different river as man does / i thought maybe in time i could come to reconcile / that theres a version of this where we’re not just docile / but an active participant in the games we play / so who’s getting played when you cant walk away / unscathed, unbearable weight that you carry / thinking theres no reason to bother moving your body / of course you’d believe that and take it to heart / when the odds were stacked against you from the start / and yet the globe spins and a new game begins / one thats better designed to hide all our sins / maybe we forgot that milestones dont make us bloom / is your talent really growing or just digging a tomb.

a thought after realising im thinking differently than before 04-07-25

improve

there is nothing you can do to be better, this is the only certainty you’ll find / and yet every professional development course says you must be on this grind / you can’t just exist in this world and feed off your own spontaneity / this graph says that you’re just like everyone else and you don’t exist beyond this category / you can butcher and plunder the world of research to make your own pretty little pictures / but if you dig deeper you’ll find that the dead knew this was never a permanent fixture / what are you hiding behind your need to be busy, this fallacy that you can improve / we can keep doing our scholarship about scholarship but when will things actually m o v e

venting my frustration after yet another PD course, diffracting Alan Watts lecture on Mind over Mind 03-07-25

prescription

just like a prescription, pop two of these a day / what if i write a script so you know exactly what to say / that way we can eliminate all uncertainty / except it doesn’t leave just because you make it secondary / to the way you think you interact with the emerging world / only looking for the linear as the messiness unfurls / i can’t write the dialogue box that you think you need / this video game needs more than just a red button or green / why is communication something we manufacture to train / when our ability to relate runs freely in our veins.

in conversation with a friend about prescriptive coach education as ‘popping pills’ on 02/07

pressing on a bruise

i can’t tell where now starts and the past ends / because the reflections in this pool tremble as i defend / my memories, my tears, my words, my fears / a delicate light like komorebi / there’s something deep and raw about the way we work / you can call ego the enemy but it bleeds with a smirk / what if our critical reflections are like pressing on a bruise / a reminder that our best intentions might be just a ruse / a thumb to purple skin to remember the pain / even if we push past it to see what we can gain / if we’re not ready to admit the role we have played / then we can pretend there’s no path from which we have strayed.

in conversation with a friend on whatsapp on 02-07-25

tracksuit

get that man a tracksuit, he’s starting to stand out / its day one, how could he not know what this place is all about / you dont have to wear the uniform but we’ll judge you otherwise / there’s no room to be yourself so you can just leave that behind / the shirt you wear is just one thing to keep us all aligned / we can circle back to why you need to know the company line / its okay if your plans change but can you please predict the time / you can be creative, just paint within the lines

inspired by a quote from a team meeting on 01-07-25

medals

do you know what goes into an olympic medal / because i’ve never considered the materiality / i didn’t think i’d find myself pondering such things / i wasn’t sure i wanted this as my reality / so when i open up a slide deck and see this word at the top of the front page / i start to wonder if this was something i really wanted, or if there’s a mistake i’ve made / but is it really mine or a function of the system we’ve created / i understand the notion that we need to perform to keep the public satiated / when we start looking for the characteristics that make a high performer / is there a risk we forget the rest of the being we’ve just shoved in the corner / to fit the box the mould the metrics that we’ve deemed to be true / a somewhat critical approach to explore what the best in the world do / we throw around survivorship bias but it lays dead in our conversations / at what cost are you willing to breath life into the hope of the nation.

written after a staff meeting on 01-07-25